A constant internal battle for me is questioning if my children receive enough attention off me? We would all ask ourselves at some point "Do I work too much?", "Am I too consumed by life stresses?", "Am I too tired all the time?" or "Do I worry about housework too much?".
I have a cheeky 2 year old son and 10 year old daughter that I swear was a 2 years old just yesterday. Huge gap right? Hell, not for the lack of trying. You see, I have a great deal of medical conditions that has caused infertility (that's for another article). Due to this I've had immense difficulties falling pregnant, maintaining a pregnancy and having healthy pregnancies. During the "gap" I had 6 miscarriages and was only blessed with my son due to IVF.
Whenever anyone asks how old my children are, and I respond with their ages, it's greeted with "your daughter must be a huge help?". Yes it helps that my daughter is of an age where she is independent but I vowed that she wouldn't take on the burden of being "responsible" for her baby brother, I am after all his mother. I am the one that decided to have another child, not her. What 10 year old wants to have to be a mini mummy and be elbows deep in dirty nappies and vomit? I think she has maybe changed his nappy 2 times in over 2 years and I plan, for the sake of her and allowing kids to be kids it will stay this way.
The other popular statement made is; "That's a huge age gap, that must make things easier for you". Well no, no it doesn't. Yes, I didn't have 2 under 3 years of age. I didn't have 2 in nappies at the same time. But I have 2 children that are vastly different. Not only difference in gender but due to their ages they have huge differences in interests, needs and wants. What one will want to watch on the TV will be completely different to what is appropriate for the other. What one will want to play, is completely different to what the other one wants to play. What one wants to make for craft time is completely different to what the other one is capable of doing. What one wants to do for entertainment is completely different to what the other one wants to do. We basically can never go to the movies all together, or read the same books or play "pretend", the list goes on because of this "blessed gap". Then there are needs; my son obviously relies on me to pretty much do everything for him. I have to ensure that I'm also teaching him how to do things independently and age appropriate. He hasn't yet grasped the concept of not interrupting and waiting for his turn and that's ok, it all comes with time. But for my 10 year old, she has different needs. She needs one on one time, this age is so impressionable. She needs me to do the motherly things one does when she is maturing. Her brother is always needing mums attention and time, just the same as she did at that age. But how do you explain that to a 10 year old? And as he becomes more needy I hear her more and more "mum watch this? Or mum can you come here? I know she is longing for my attention, I know she needs it and whilst I'm battling with him on the toilet (isn't toilet training boys fun!) my heart breaks that at that moment I can't just split myself in two. That I can't equally give them attention right now. So please before you make the statement that a huge age gap must make parenting easier in some way, please think about my struggle.
So what's the answer to my never ending internal battle? I honestly don't know, I may never know. But tonight I'll squeeze them both a little tighter, hold them a little longer and tell them over and over again just how much I love and adore them and they will look at me like I'm once again their Supermum, that's all that matters right?
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