INFERTILITY BATTLE | SUPERMUM AND HER MONSTERS

I have now tried to sit down and write this blog five times. Every time I get overwhelmed and tears start rolling down my face. My eyes blur and I am no longer able to focus on my laptop screen, or I have just been convincing myself of it in order to procrastinate. I don't know if it's tears of immense sadness for my children that I'll never get to watch grow.

Is it reliving every moment like it was yesterday? Is it the realisation of the abundance of women that will be reading this and have felt so alone. I think it is all of that and so much more that will ultimately unravel the further I progress with this article. 

Credit: LaBelle Dame @ www.labelledame.com/

I've questioned; how much should I say? Should I tell them all, my whole story, that to many will be inconceivable as to just how someone has been so "unlucky". I have worried that it will be too overwhelming, will it upset people? Then the realisation is hit me, this is my story, and my story to tell. This is the very reason we need awareness around this subject, so it is not "taboo", so we don't feel we have to limit "our story" to accommodate others. So here it is, here is my story. It's a long one, so get your coffee and sit back and travel through this roller coaster with me. 

Nearly 13 years ago!

I was married young at 20 and thought like many, that my child rearing days were basically endless. I mean really why would I think otherwise? No one I knew had a horrific story to cloud my judgment. That was until one evening a very close friend of mine had been staying at my place. My husband was in the Army and away out on field exercise. I was new to this whole army spouse game and not yet accustomed to being home alone at night for an extended amount of time.

One night I was suddenly in the worst pain of my life. My friend rushed me into hospital. Like most emergency departments do, I was treated as if I was an over exaggerating female having her monthly problems.

BP was 158/87

It wasn't until an ultrasound was conducted that there was suddenly some urgency about my care. Morphine was pumped into my veins and a surgeon suddenly appeared by my side. I was told that I had a large cyst on my right ovary and that it was so large it was creating "Torsion". This is where the ovary rotates and can cut off blood flow. This can not only cause a lot of pain, loss of the ovary, but life also threatening in some cases. They said that they needed my husband here now as if there were difficult calls to be made during the surgery, him being my next of kin would need to make those decisions. The problem was, he had no phone service whilst he was out on field exercise. The surgeon contacted the Army base and was able to speak to him via a satellite phone. The Army rushed him back and he was there 15 minutes before I went under. I woke from the procedure in the Maternity Ward, on Mother's Day with being told that I had sever Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and that my chances of falling pregnant were very slim. I tried to take all this in as I hear the cries of newborns and joyous mothers surrounding me in every direction. I'm not one to be jealous or a hateful person but at that very moment I was. To say I was shattered was an understatement. My husband lost control, his anger, frustration and hurt that he felt for me erupted and verbally expressed his disgust at them for how heartless they were to have me in a maternity ward on Mother's Day whilst giving me this news. He demanded I be transferred to another Ward. it was as if quicker than  I could blink they where pushing my bed down to surgical recovery ward. The next day the gynaecologist came for their daily morning visit, he explained that if I did have any chance at all of falling pregnant that my window of opportunity was small and best to do it now as if just had a "clean out" so to say. My husband and I had said just before our wedding that we would like a few years just the two of us enjoying married life...it had only been 6 months. We decided that none of that mattered anymore and that we would try straight away. To my surprise it didn't take long, only 4 months!!!! I was so smug thinking "Pfft, what did those doctors even know!".

2 days before Lilli was born

My pregnancy was nothing less than eventful with Gestational Diabetes and Pre Eclampsia. I was induced early as my blood pressure was becoming dangerously high.

Swelling from Pre Eclampsia

10 hours into the labour they picked up that something was wrong with the baby and suspected it wasn't getting oxygen to its brain. They hoisted my legs up into the  stirrups and placed a tube up inside my vagina with the intention to prick the babies head to test the blood for oxygen levels. They quickly ran off, leaving my legs still in the stirrups. It felt like they were gone for eternity. I am told him was maybe 5 minutes at the most. My crying was uncontrollable, my chest was tightening an anxiety attack was coming on. A team of mixed medical professionals burst though the doors, the panic started. I was rushed to the operating theatre to have an emergency caesarean. With contractions so close together they had me positioned so awkwardly on the edge of the bed in order to give me a spinal for the surgery. Many of you may not know but they first give you a local anaesthetic before inserting the spinal blocker. Next thing I know I felt an almighty tugging and a baby cry. My baby was alive!!!!!

A beautiful baby girl called Lilli-ann weighing at 8 pound 9 ounces. 

Due to the concerns leading to the caesarean and her blood sugar level being low they rushed her off into a side room to install a feeding tube. They needed to instantly give her formula to bring her levels up. While the nurse was wiping me down she discovered 15 small punctures  holes approx. 1 inch to the left of my spine. I soon discovered that anaesthesiologist was not suppose to attempt over 3 times and yet I had all these puncture marks. She reported it and I received physiotherapy for a few months.

Lilli was the perfect baby, like text book perfect! We did what a lot of new parents do and discussed that we would start trying for our next child when she was 1 year old. Her 2nd birthday came and went and we had suffered our first miscarriage. Of course very upset by the whole situation we were told by everyone around us "it's common" and "you are young" oh and "well you know you can fall pregnant so it will be fine". I held on tightly to all of these words of wisdom and felt sure we would be blessed with our rainbow baby (this is a term used for a live birth of a baby following a loss). Then came my second  and third miscarriage. I reached out and started talking more openly about my losses and discovered how much more common it was than I thought. All the women I had spoken to had no more than three miscarriages before they were blessed with their rainbow babies. My optimism return and we commenced trying to fall pregnant again.

I became very accustomed to visiting the Emergency Department for reoccurring ovarian cyst ruptures. One attendance resulted in another surgery where I was told that they had also discovered Endometriosis (Endo) and that this too could be a cause for my fertility struggles.

They referred me to  a specialist who had suggested we try a medication called Clomid. Thinking back, they had spoken about this medication as if it was "godly", that all our problems would be solved, or was that me and my hopes that just heard only those intentions of the drug? The first 3 months on it came and went and on the fourth month I feel pregnant, I received my HCG results from my GP and my levels were too low and not viable. Days later I experienced my forth miscarriage. The following month I commenced taking Clomid again. At our follow up appointment we were to review where to from here. I was scared but still hopeful that they would tell me that all they needed to do was increase my dosage again or try for longer. I was sadly disappointed when they told me that this medication could only be used for 6 months at a time due to its side effects. They then proceeded to tell me that they needed to do a test called hysterosalpingography (HSG) to check if my ovaries had any blockages. I remember them explaining the procedure as something that was no big deal, pretty much just like an internal ultrasound but that they would push dye in areas to see general flow of things. My husband was heading away the very next day, no big deal. But my sister insisted she come up, looking back I think she knew more than I did, or her instincts from my anxiety kicked in and she knew I needed her, a female to sympathise with me and help care for my daughter. I was majorly mistaken to think it was a simple procedure. Well at least not for me. They elevate your buttocks at a level for them to "access" things better. They give you a sedative as they have to insert tubes into your vagina and up into your tubes, they state it will be uncomfortable but my god was it painful. They gave me a second does of sedatives to calm me down and proceeded to try and travel up my right Fallopian tube. It wasn't budging. They opened a balloon that is positioned at  the top of this probe and tried to push dye through. It wasn't working...They pushed harder and harder, another dose of sedative was needed due to the force they were using. The dye, or lack of, showed that my Fallopian tubes were blocked. I remember the nurse holding my hand so compassionately and with a soft look into my eyes and tears in hers she said "it's ok honey, there is always IVF". I was shattered. I had never ever considered that I really couldn't have any more children, just that it would be more difficult for me than most. It was so easy to fall pregnant with Lilli. I'm embarrassed to say I did become fairly irrational and they had to heavily sedate me. I came to and they had called my husband in from the waiting room. I screamed at them, with voice and tone barely understandable, I told them to get him out of there, that I didn't want to see him. He was to leave on his trip within a few hours and prayed he would just leave earlier. I was angry and ashamed. He was an amazing father to our daughter and I couldn't give him more children, you know that one thing female bodies were designed to do, I couldn't, I was defective like and old appliance that needed to be disposed of. I was ashamed and couldn't face him. Another dosage of sedative and I finally agreed to see him. He scooped me up into his arms, cradled me against his chest and held me so tightly. He tried reassuring me that everything was ok. With desperation in his voice he said  that he has his girls, we were the world to him and that's all he needed, I didn't believe it. I knew he was just telling me what he thought he ought to say in that  kind of situation. I was so glad that my sister arrived. She has a way of making me laugh like no other. She was exactly what I needed over the next few days, It was so good having her there to help care for Lilli as I was trying to process everything.

Life carried on as normal and we decided that If somehow I managed to get pregnant it would be a blessing but no more trying! Sex became fun again, no longer a chore. No longer anxiously waiting for the day I could do a pregnancy test every month. No more crying because I got my period. I suppose you could say we started living again. We engrossed our selves into being a single child family and I have no misconception that Lilli was above and beyond spoilt, in every way possible. Birthdays and Christmas's were extravagant as the way I looked at it was; I was never going to get to experience another 4 year old birthday. This was my one chance for all this and would do it to the best of my ability.

We embraced life as a single child family

Over the next few years my health steadily became worse, countless hospital admissions and surgeries. Then to my surprise I had fallen pregnant. The excitement, oh boy I remember it. I could not believe I'd proved those doctors wrong. I was ecstatic and started to pull all Lilli's old baby stuff out...then I had my fifth miscarriage. I was told all the same things over again from the doctors that it was a total fluke that I had  even fallen pregnant again. But the fact that my body had actually fallen pregnant again gave me new hope. We started trying again, but with that went the excitement, sex was again a chore and something to enter into my period and conception app on my phone. Shortly the stresses followed closely behind, the disappointment and again pressure on our marriage. It had become an obsession for me and I had become a pee stick fanatic. I now see I had a real problem. Lilli was now 5 and I so badly wanted to her have a sibling. The age gap was big enough and wanted to limit it as much as possible. The stress became to much on my marriage and my husband said that's it. We need to have a break from trying or there will be no "family" for this child to be born into. I had been selfish, it wasn't only me this effected. It had not dawned on me before that every road block I hit, he hit it too. Every miscarriage was his baby lost also. I had been so absorbed with trying to conceive and I needed to consider him for once. So we stoped trying and I fell pregnant again!!! I went into this one with so much caution, probably to much, where I was irrationally paranoid about everything and anything that could cause a miscarriage and over analysed every single thing my body did. But my fears again became true and I lost my 6th baby. This hit me hard and I went into a deep depression where I think if it wasn't for the fact that I had Lilli to live for I don't know what I would have done. To draw me out of the depression we went on a three week holiday in our caravan. Just the three of us on the road.

It was great, just what I needed. On the way back my husband turned to me and said "let's do IVF?" I almost fell off my chair. I couldn't believe it. We had never considered it before as it was not financially viable but we had come into some money and he said "stuff the deposit for a house, I don't want you waking up in 5,10,20 years and regretting never trying it".

We had our first IVF appointment and boy was that overwhelming but didn't deter us. We were told all the statistics for successful cycles. We handed over the $15k and started the process.

IVF injections

Test results revealed that I also had a clotting disorder that could have largly contributed to the miscarriages. My fertility specialist put me on medication for this. I commenced my injections and every night we would lay me on the bed. Lilli would hold my had and my husband would inject into my stomach. The whole family was part of this miracle in the making.

Injection bruises

It came to egg collection day where they retrieve your eggs from your ovaries. This is a very important part of the IVF process. If I didn't have any or many  "ripe" eggs it could either mean we couldn't proceed with creating our baby or we would have limited chances. The more eggs means higher chance of them fertilising and becoming embryos. At every stage of this process you will often loose a few. So when you wake from the egg retrieval they will write on your hand how many eggs they retrieved. I was praying I had 10, I thought that would just be crazy! So I woke, I looked at my hand and no number, nothing written on my hand. My heart broke I couldn't believe it. I began to cry and as I brought my hands up to my cheek to wipe away my tears away I noticed it was written almost on the side of my other hand...they had gotten 14 eggs!!!!!! I couldn't believe it.

The number of eggs retrieved

At the time of retrieval hubby provided his semen sample and with the type of IVF we did, being ICSI they individually choose the very best looking sperm and inject them into my eggs. This gives you a higher success rate of the egg fertilising. We had done research and was aware that it's normal to have a few not fertilise. So when they called me and said that 10 out of 14 fertalised that were great odds. They then closely monitor to make sure the embryo is forming the correct amount of cells that it should be. So next day they said there were 2 abnormal ones so we had 8 left. We thought that's great. Use one and freeze 7. Day 3,they called and said we were down to 5. Although disappointed they were still good numbers and would still have 4 to freeze for future attempts if this one did not stick. Day 4, we were called and told to come in immediately for transfer.

My one good embryo

I was shocked as transfer wasn't suppose to be until day 5, the following day. They explained that there was now only 1 good looking embryo. I was shattered and my optimism of this one embryo actually sticking was dim. Why would it when all the others were duds? They transferred the embryo and I was sent home. I had the next 10 days off work and did everything they suggest to a tee. You can do a home pregnancy test 10 days after the egg was fertilised. This worked out to be our daughters 6th birthday. We discussed that it would be best to try and test the night before because if it was negative then I could deal with the heartbreak and disappointment now and throw myself into her party and loving on her as much as possible the following day. So we tested and there was a faint line....I was pregnant.

positive IVF pregnancy tests

In order to try and help prevent me loosing this baby I had to insert something called a pessarie, which is like a wax stick that contains progesterone. I was in disbelief and tested every day watching that line getting stronger and stronger. I started having a lot of pain and panicked. The fertility specialist explained it was because I had Ovarian Hyper stimulation syndrome. It happens to women that were over stimulated and often produced a higher than normal number of eggs. She conducted a blood hcg test and the numbers came back strong. I had blood tests every few days and my numbers were still doubling.

Lilli was so excited

I had my first ultrasound and bub looked great with a strong heartbeat. I then started having a lot of pain again. I had another ultrasound and had a cyst in my ovary, what was new really? They advised me that it appeared that the sack was not growing at the same rate as the baby and was ultimately not a viable pregnancy. I cried non stop for 2 days. After everything I was going to loose another baby

. I had another scan to follow up on this finding and was told everything looked fine, now no concerns at all, I was relieved. Then came along 10 weeks and I was getting beyond excited to nearing 12 weeks and announcing the pregnancy and not only but that we had done IVF. Only our very close friend and family knew we had done IVF. I was having some pains but believed this to be normal with my uterus expanding. I went to the toilet and I suddenly started gushing blood. My husband was at Bunnings and I called him in hysterics. He raced home, took Lilli to the neighbours and raced me to the hospital, through red lights and all. They did a blood test and numbers  were amazing. The ultrasound showed the baby was happy and heathy and they could not explain the bleeding. We were in the process of moving and due to drive down south in a couple of days. As I was on bed best hubby booked Lilli  and I on a flight there instead. I had another follow up in our new home and was now 12 weeks.

12 weeks pregnant

I was told the baby had a bad hernia and would probably need surgery when it was born. Like seriously could blows continue to come?!?! I was advised it would be monitored at the next ultrasound at 18-20 weeks. Well at 15 weeks I went into early labor. The emergency dept staff at our new location were amazing and stopped the contractions. They did an ultrasound and bub was completely fine and they were able to tell me the gender. He was certain it was a boy.We were over the moon we would have a boy and girl. We already had his name picked. Came to 20 weeks and I went into early labour again. We were told that legally they can't not try to sustain life for a baby born before 24 weeks gestation. I couldn't believe it. It looked like my baby was going to be born fighting for his life and no medical assistance to help him. They managed to stop my labour again. I was told to go home and take it easy. At 30 weeks my hind water broke and again resulted in early labour.

Stopped again and on struck bed rest. We were told that they didn't see me getting past 34 weeks so to make sure bags were packed. I went into early labour 2 more times and made it to 38 weeks where they booked me in for a planned caesarean. He was born without a problem!!! 7 pound 15 ounce boy called Jaxon.

But I had lost a little too much blood then liked and they then had me on a pitocin drip, usually used to commence contractions to bring on labour. But in my case they were using it for the contractions to contract my uterus to minimalize the bleeding. It was terrible. I had my baby and yet for hours I was having contractions. Things went well and discharged within 42 hours, sure I was in pain but my adrenaline of finally having my baby here and being use to having abdominal surgeries I was handling it well.

When Jaxon was a week old he vomited out his nose and started flipping backwards like he was fitting. On the way to the hospital he stopped breathing on us. His blood tests showed he had a momentary loss of oxygen so they had to do a brain function test and thankfully came back
100% fine.

It tuned out he had severe silent reflux and acid reflux was coming up his nasal passage and causing him to choke. He went on a very expensive compound medication only made at one chemist in our region costing a whopping $75 a bottle, but hey how do you put a price on that really? It helped, it helped him so much. Our family was complete I was complete.

Now to say that this was the end of my miscarriage loss would be great, but sadly it was not. My health was increasingly becoming worse yet again. The team of specialist I were seeing wanted to see if they could try a new treatment to help me. It was an aggressive one, but if it worked the payoff was way worth it. The commenced me on a medication called Zoladex. It is an implant that is injected under the top layer of fat to your stomach. This drug is used for hormone based cancer treatments. It helps to stop growths and puts you basically into a medical menopause. Well at least that's what all studies shown to date had done. Of course me, my body, had to be the exception. I discovered I was pregnant. They were blown away and just couldn't wrap their head around how this could happen. I lost the baby shortly after and they believe this time it was because of that medication.

Mt health still is not good and I ended up having to stop working under doctors advice. Every day is a struggle. whether it be from pain, fatigue, mothers guilt or mourning the loss of my 7 babies.

I got a tattoo to honour my miracles here with me and my 7 angel babies. The stars represent my angels and are forever with me.

If you have experienced a loss or know someone that has, I'm here. I willing to chat and assist any way I can. Please know you are not alone.

For information or support please visit the below web sites;

Pregnancy, Birth, Baby Organisation; http://www.pregnancybirthbaby.org.au/miscarriage?gclid=CjwKEAjw_PfGBRDW_sutqMbQsmMSJAAMpUapJduEfJV4oYm4_xm2GE916AFu0E9fiGdj8tYixW99HBoCr5Tw_wcB

Bears of Hope;
http://www.bearsofhope.org.au/a/181.html
Counselling;
https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/get-help-home?gclid=CjwKEAjw_PfGBRDW_sutqMbQsmMSJAAMpUapHEJf4goFeShBv3F5H2GEijyqjlqcvH597fHuFmyfQxoCBLrw_wcB